Chapter 4 – She Didn’t Tell Me

“…doka…”

I heard somebody’s voice.

“…Madoka.”

“…Huh?”

I pulled my head up to find Mommy looking at me, a puzzled expression on her face.

“You need to hurry up and eat, or you’ll be late.”

“Oh… uh, right.”

I was in the dining room.

Normally, I would wake up first, then wash my face, then brush my teeth… That should have all happened before sitting at the table, but I didn’t remember doing any of that.

The only things occupying my headspace since the day before were Mami-san’s shredded skirt and Homura-chan’s scathing words.

Somehow or another, I’d ended up at the table after getting absolutely zero sleep.

I glanced around, and everyone was giving me strange looks. Mommy, Daddy, and even Tatsuya. I quickly shoved more of my half-eaten fried egg in my mouth, but as soon as the fluffy egg whites registered on my tongue, I started crying.

“Wha wrong, Nee-cha?”

“D-Does it taste bad?”

Tatsuya watched me concernedly, and Daddy worriedly called out to me.

“…No. It’s good. It’s so delicious…”

I felt guilty for how delicious it was– just another reminder that I was alive. I’d always taken delicious food for granted, never truly appreciating how much of a blessing it was.

And when I thought about how it was a blessing that Mami-san would never get to experience again…

It made me feel so hopelessly sad.

“It’s like, no matter what I tried to tell her, Yuuka never got it.”

Sayaka-chan’s cheerful voice played out beside me.

“She was almost crying, being all like, ‘What, did I say something weird again?’ and I had to try so hard not to laugh.”

We were walking our usual route to school. Sayaka-chan, Hitomi-chan and I were side by side, just like always, headed to Mitakihara Junior High. The clear skies made for a beautiful, pleasant morning.

I looked at Sayaka-chan’s smile, which seemed exactly the same as it had always been, and began to wonder if it had all been nothing more than a dream. I took a look at Kyuubey behind us, then thought in my mind.

[ Sayaka-chan, about what happened yesterday– ]

The witch that showed up at Kamijou-kun’s hospital.

Sayaka-chan staying behind as I went to find Mami-san.

And then… when the witch… ate Mami-san.

Had that all been… real life?

But before I could ask, Sayaka-chan’s voice echoed in my head.

[ Sorry, not now. We’ll talk later. ]

Her voice in my head was dark and gloomy, a stark contrast to her outer voice and expression. Which meant it really had all happened.

My heart felt like it sank to the bottom of the ocean.

And the realization that Sayaka-chan, who had seen the exact same things as me, could manage to put on a happy face while I wore my heart on my sleeve… Well, that just made me sad all over again.

School passed by in an unfocused blur.

“Now, while it’s true that medical study has concluded on an optimal age for childbearing, it’s a terrible mistake to use that information and work backwards to decide when a woman should get married. That is to say, it can be naturally expected that women over 30 have a chance at marrying for love, so this sentence would be better expressed in the present progressive rather than the past perfect tense…”

Normally, I could attentively listen to Kazuko-sensei’s lessons, but everything she said just went in one ear and out the other. Occasionally, I’d send Sayaka-chan a pleading glance, but she was always neatly writing down the notes from the board. That made me feel pathetic, so I’d pick up my mechanical pencil, only to realize that I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of the writing on the board anyway.

I don’t even feel like my heart’s beating.

I was like a broken, lifeless doll, blankly staring ahead.

At some point or another, morning classes ended.

“Madoka,” Sayaka-chan called out as the lunch bell rang.

I staggered to my feet, managing to follow behind her as she led me to the rooftop.

We sat down on an empty bench, simply staring up at the beautifully clear sky for a while without saying a word. Kyuueby had followed us there, but curled himself up at a reserved distance.

“It’s like I came back to a completely different country…” I muttered, unable to stand the silence a moment longer. Sayaka-chan remained quiet. “School and Hitomi-chan are exactly the same as they were yesterday, but… I feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch of people that I don’t know.”

“It’s not that you don’t know. It’s that they don’t.” The chill in Sayaka-chan’s tone surprised me, and I glanced over at her. “They don’t know about witches, or Mami-san. We know, but nobody else knows. We might as well live in a completely different world. We see everything differently.”

“…Sayaka-chan–”

“Things changed a long time ago. We should have noticed sooner. Both of us,” she mumbled, the wind ruffling her hair.

I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I just stared at the ends of my school-issued indoor slippers.

“Madoka, do you… still want to become a magical girl?”

“…”

Of course I don’t want to any more.

I just… don’t think it’s possible for someone like me.

Those were the immediate responses that I shouted in my head, but…

It made me think about the promise I made with Mami-san, the look on her face when I said that I would fight with her… and I just stared down, unable to speak.

But Sayaka-chan looked like she more or less knew what I was thinking anyway. “…Yeah. I can’t really blame you,” she said gently.

The cowardly tears I’d been holding back for so long finally began to spill out. “I know that… it’s not fair. I was just saying I’d do it… but… I can’t… I just, dying like that… whenever I think about it, I can’t breathe…”

Sayaka-chan hugged my head and pulled me close. I cried and cried, my head against her chest.

“I’m just… so scared… I can’t keep doing this…”

“Mami-san was such a kind person. She did everything she could to try and make us understand the kind of resolve it took to fight the way that she did.”

Sayaka-chan’s quiet whispers brought to mind Mami-san’s gentle smile. She was always kind, always gentle. Her smile gave me the courage to believe that even I could do anything. She would transform into that adorable outfit, looking so cool and gallant that it set my heart aflutter, and she would wield her magical muskets so proficiently. She was so reliable…

But Mami-san wasn’t here any more.

And it seemed like for the first time, I was finally facing that fact.

I stared into the gaping void left in my heart, and it was all I could do not to scream.

“Hey, Kyuubey,” Sayaka-chan asked, stroking my hair. “What’s gonna happen now? Who’s gonna take Mami-san’s place to protect this town from witches?”

“This has been Mami-san’s territory for a long time, but other magical girls will be aware of the vacancy. Won’t be long before we get new witch hunters here.”

“But all they want is to hoard grief seeds, right? Just like that transfer student.”

“You’d be correct to assume that magical girls like Mami are somewhat rare. It’s only natural for someone to try and figure out what’s in it for them. Everyone loves a reward.”

I started crying all over again. I was reminded yet again that we had lost something irreplaceable.

“But… the thing is,” Kyuubey added quietly, “The only ones with the right to criticize would be those who share the same destiny with magical girls.”

…He was right. We hadn’t made a contract. We hadn’t even fully prepared to make one.

Girls granted with the power to be a magical girl had to fight for their lives in exchange for their wish. Who were we to judge a girl beholden to such a fate?

“Well, I think I understand how you two feel about this.”

I looked up at the quiet voice, realizing that Kyuubey was now sitting directly in front of us.

“It’s unfortunate, but I am not allowed to force your hand in this.”

“Kyuubey…”

“This is where we part ways. It’s time for me to go find other girls to make contracts with.”

“I’m sorry, Kyuubey,” I apologized tearfully, but Kyuubey’s ears flopped about as it shook its head.

“No, I should be apologizing for getting you two involved. We were only together for a short time, but it was fun while it lasted, Madoka.”

Kyuubey’s face always had this carefree air to it, but right then, it looked like an ancient tree in the middle of an old forest that had seen many years go by.

All I could do was apologize again.

“It’s okay,” Kyuubey answered gently.

Then he hopped once, quietly vanishing.

◯

After school that day, I split off from Sayaka-chan and found myself heading to Mami-san’s condo. Just like the other day, I climbed the stairs up to the fifth floor and stood in front of Mami-san’s door, ringing the bell.

I waited patiently. It felt like any moment, Mami-san would swing open the door, say, “Ah, Madoka-san,” and smile at me.

But no matter how long I waited, the door never opened. I gently grabbed the doorknob, finding that it wasn’t locked. I slowly opened the door, slipping inside.

The setting sun lit up the whole room. It was tidy, just like Mami-san always kept it, and traces of her life were still present all throughout the room, as if she had only gone out for a short trip. Textbooks sat on her desk, inscribed with the name Mami Tomoe in perfectly-shaped lettering. A pen holder, pencil case, miniature vase, and various animal ornaments adorned it, showing her unique tastes.

I realized that the open book and half-empty cup of tea had been left there when I called her outside.

I drank it all in, slowly pulling my notebook out of my school bag.

Inside that notebook were pictures of the person I had wanted to become. Me, transformed into a magical girl, keeping the world safe alongside Mami-san. The me inside the notebook had a strong, powerful smile… and in the end, I never did become her.

I genuinely adored Mami-san, and her gentle smile was the driving force behind my dream of becoming a magical girl.

But when it came down to it, I just didn’t have what it took to live in that world. I was just too weak and foolish, incapable of discovering my own dream. I deeply regretted that I had the gall to say anything that could offer Mami-san even the slightest sliver of hope.

“I’m sorry… that I’m such a weakling… I’m so sorry…”

My tears seemed to be endless as I placed my notebook on Mami-san’s desk, holding my face in my hands.

Will you really… really fight with me? You’ll stay with me?

The sound of Mami-san’s overjoyed voice echoed infinitely throughout the room, as if it were my own personal hell.

Nobody else knew about it, and I didn’t have any friends that I could confide in about it.

I had truly desired to make Mami-san happy, and free her from her battle of isolation.

I had truly desired to fight alongside her, and to become someone that could be like her…

But when it came down to it, I just…

“Mami…san… I’m so sorry…”

◯

My eyes were swollen and puffy by the time I left Mami-san’s room. When I made it down to the first-floor entrance, I noticed someone standing outside.

There illuminated in the setting sun was Akemi Homura-chan, neatly dressed in her school uniform. Her lips were bluntly pursed out like always, and her footsteps echoed as she walked towards me.

“Homura…chan.” Before I could ask what she was doing, she spoke.

“You are blaming yourself too much for all of this, Madoka Kaname.” She stood before me, brazenly stating, “Nobody is trying to criticize your actions. And even if they were, I wouldn’t let them.”

Her gaze was ice-cold, and her tone was brutally harsh, just like always…

But there was something in it that seemed just a bit gentler than before.

“It appears that you’ve taken my advice to heart,” Homura-chan noted, and I offered a small nod in response.

We ended up taking a stroll down the city bathed in the evening glow. I started by walking to the station, which would have been my spot to split off and go home. But I couldn’t stand the thought of being alone by the time we got there, so I just kept going, sticking with Homura-chan, who walked silently beside me.

“If I had just… listened to you sooner, Homura-chan, then maybe–”

Maybe Mami-san wouldn’t have had to die.

Homura-chan shook her head before I could finish the sentence. “That would not have changed Mami Tomoe’s fate.”

“…”

“But your fate has changed. I’m glad that I could save at least one person.”

I was surprised, looking up at Homura-chan’s profile. Her head fell downwards as if the string holding it up had snapped. She didn’t say any more, but it felt like her typically icy exterior was melting ever so slightly.

“Homura-chan, you…” I fumbled timidly through my sentence. “You seem like a… veteran at all this. In a different way than Mami-san, though.”

“I suppose that’s one way to put it.”

A car passed by, blowing my short hair and Homura-chan’s longer hair to the side. It felt like she was letting me in, if only a little bit, so I took a deep breath and asked, “Homura-chan… have you seen people… die before? Like yesterday?”

“…I have.”

“H-How… many?”

Homura-chan narrowed her eyes, as if she were focusing on the horizon, and dismissively replied, “Enough that I gave up on counting.”

I regretted asking. It felt wrong for someone like me, a girl that didn’t even have enough courage to make a magical girl contract, to be asking her those kinds of questions.

But there was one more thing I couldn’t help but say as I stood there, seeing the leftover shell of Mami-san’s room in my head. “I wonder if her room will stay like that forever…”

“Tomoe Mami only had distant relatives, so it will be quite some time before anybody will notice the need to report her missing.”

“So she died… and nobody will ever know?”

“That’s how it works. You don’t even leave a body when you die on the other side. As far as this world will ever know, she’ll be forever missing. That’s the true end for every magical girl.”

“But that’s… so terrible…” My stomach began to ache, and I started crying again. “She was always alone, fighting for everyone else’s sake, and now… no one will even notice that she’s gone? That’s just… too sad…”

“That’s the nature of the contract that gave us this power,” Homura-chan whispered. “We don’t fight for anyone else. Only for the sake of our wishes. If nobody else knows that, or if they forget you, then that’s just how it works.”

“But I’ll… remember.” It came out of my mouth before I even knew what was happening. “I’ll never forget Mami-san… never.”

Homura-chan nodded. “I see. Tomoe Mami would be glad to know she had someone like that. It’s enough to make me jealous.”

“Y-You too, Homura-chan!” I quickly added on after hearing her vacant tone. “I won’t forget you, either, Homura-chan! You saved us yesterday… and I won’t ever forget that!”

“…”

“…Oh.”

…I didn’t understand. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’d hurt her somehow without realizing was coming back.

Because there in front of me was the saddest look in Homura-chan’s eyes that I’d ever seen.

And the fact that I’d let my emotions get the better of me, only to say something so completely insensitive, tore my heart to ribbons.

“You’re too kind,” Homura-chan said, her voice quivering. “Don’t forget that sometimes kindness only serves to bring about even greater sadness.”

When she said that–

It was like my promise to fight together with Mami-san. A promise that would be forever unfulfilled, breaking my heart into a thousand pieces.

It was just another reminder of how useless and pathetic I was.

Why was I even born? Why couldn’t I do the things that came so easily to everyone else?

I could practically feel the wind blow straight through my cavernous, empty heart.

I was swallowed up by an infinite white void, into a place where I couldn’t even cry any more.

◯

Even by the time Homura-chan left to go her own way, I stayed stuck in regret over what I had said.

Night had fallen, and I wanted to disappear into the blackness. But I couldn’t even do that, so I just slowly trudged home, drowning in self-loathing.

If there was anything, and I mean just one small tiny thing, that was good from the situation, it was that Homura-chan and I got a bit closer.

I’m glad that I could save at least one person.

It felt like she was telling the truth there, showing a glimpse of her real feelings behind the iron curtain. And the fact that she would say something like that told me she was a much nicer girl than her appearance or the way she typically acted would imply.

Maybe… we could have been friends, if we just had a real conversation… Why did she have to end up fighting with Mami-san? I thought to myself, walking through the crowd in front of the train station.

“…Hm?” But then, amidst the crowd, I spotted a familiar face. “Hitomi-chan?”

Her composed, dignified expression. Her long, beautiful, and just slightly wavy hair. Without a doubt, I was looking at Shizuki Hitomi-chan.

I dashed forward, pushing my way through the crowd to catch up with her. “Hitomi-chan, didn’t you have a lesson in…”

But she didn’t seem to hear a single word I said.

“Hi-… Hitomi-chan?” I tried getting a little closer. Hitomi-chan’s eyes were distant, looking away but not seeming to focus on anything in particular.

Then, I noticed a strange mark on her neck.

“Oh, Kaname-san, it is such a pleasure to see you.” Hitomi-chan suddenly turned to face me, offering a typical greeting. But my eyes stayed glued to the mark on her neck.

Because… it was the same mark that had been on the woman who tried to jump from the abandoned building before Mami-san saved her.

“Wh-Where were you going?” I asked.

“Where? Why…” Hitomi-chan smiled, gazing off into the distance as if enraptured. “A place much better than here.”

Her voice sounded practically robotic, and her stiff movements looked all too similar to the woman from before.

◯

Hitomi-chan tottered unsteadily past the train station, headed towards the outskirts of town. She moved with little hesitation, barely registering the fact that I was following her and ignoring my barrage of questions.

“…A place much better than here…”

I had no idea what to do, and unconsciously took my cell phone out of my pocket. Then I realized that I was trying to get ahold of Mami-san, and just felt sad again.

“…But I don’t know who else I can talk to about this.”

Homura-chan’s face suddenly blinked into my mind.

“Of course!” I exclaimed, flipping through my phone’s address book, only to quickly taste despair yet again. “Oh… I don’t even… have her number…”

While I was busy doing that, our surroundings had entirely changed. We were now in the ruins of an old, run-down factory. I could see the shadows of several more people against the rows of prefabricated warehouses. All of them were shuffling and staggering into a single building, Hitomi-chan included. I ended up following Hitomi-chan inside, quickly hiding in the shadow of a locker near the entrance.

A quick look around the room revealed old, abandoned factory equipment, and about fifteen people including Hitomi-chan all slowly working on something. The crowd was composed of men and women of all ages, and they all seemed lifeless as they matter-of-factly performed some kind of task. It was so dark that I couldn’t even see their feet, yet nobody bothered to turn on a light.

“I always knew… I was useless…” I heard a voice say. “I couldn’t even run this little factory right. There’s no place for someone like me in the modern world…”

The direction of the voice got me to notice an older woman standing by the window, pouring something in a bucket. I could just barely make out in the moonlight that it was toilet cleaner. The grumbling man approached her, carrying a sack of bleaching agent.

“…Wait.”

Something that Mommy had warned me about came to mind.

She told me to never mix chlorine-based detergents with any other kind of cleaner.

If I did, it would make poison gas that would send the whole family to heaven. I was never supposed to do it.

“N-No…” I instinctively leapt from my hiding place. “You can’t do that!”

But as I tried to snatch the sack from the man, Hitomi-chan grabbed me and held me back. “You mustn’t interfere. This is a sacred ritual.”

“No! That’s dangerous! If you do that, we’ll all die!”

“Yes, we’ll all go on a trip to a wonderful new world. Don’t you understand how wonderful it is? These living bodies are only a hindrance to us. You’ll understand too soon enough, Kaname-san.”

Her speech was met with a smattering of applause. I suddenly realized how empty everyone’s eyes were.

“Let… me… GO!” I wrenched Hitomi-chan’s hands off of me, grabbing the bucket from the lady and immediately launching it out the window, cleaner and all. I took great heaving breaths as the glass shattered and I heard the bucket roll around outside.

Then, I heard a thud from behind.

I turned around, seeing that the old man had dropped his sack of bleaching agent.

Him, the lady, Hitomi-chan… they were all staring at me with cold, dark eyes, pure resentment rolling towards me from their gazes.

“Ah…” I whipped my head around, noticing a door nearby. Just as Hitomi-chan and everyone else made a grab for me, I dashed in the door, and the moment that I locked it they all began banging on the door. The sound went on and on and on.

“St-…Stop!” I screamed, covering my ears and slumping down to the ground.

But the banging only got louder, and the wooden door began to shake more and more. The metal hinges began to buckle, and I realized that the door wouldn’t hold for long.

“What, what do I do… What do I do?” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I forced them back, looking desperately around the room.

But it was just a tiny, windowless storage room. Everything started to go black as reality sank in.

But then… I noticed a small distortion in one corner of the room.

“No… I-It can’t… That’s–”

The signs of a witch’s domain establishing itself.

A joyous, uncanny voice began to echo, getting louder with each second.

In an instant, every surface had turned into stacks of television screens, all of them displaying static. Little one-winged pygmies blinked into existence, grabbing onto my body.

As I screamed, the despair that had just been overwhelming me filled my heart once again, and I felt something pulling me, sucking me deeper and deeper into a vortex.

“No… Help me… somebody…”

In a last-ditch effort, I tried to picture Mami-san’s smile in my mind. Her eternally gentle smile that always gave me courage and peace of mind.

But it just morphed into her yellow costume ripped into shreds, and her body, missing from the neck up–

I realized that image was playing out on one of the many television screens spinning around me like a merry-go-round. The one-winged familiars were riding with me, flaunting all the screens at me.

“St… Stop…”

All of the monitors began to show Mami-san. They spun back and forth, twirling and swaying.

Her warm smile, her gallant form, the slightly shy edge to her tone…

And… and… when she wiped tears from her eyes as I told her I would become a magical girl.

More and more images projected themselves.

“I…”

Will you really… really fight with me? You’ll stay with me?

“I… I really meant it… I thought I could…”

But you weren’t there.

“I, I… I’m sorry…”

You said you would stay with me.

I finally thought I wasn’t alone.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

I was so happy, too.

I fell through a world where up and down had no meaning, thinking, This must be my punishment. It’s because I’m such a cowardly liar…

I deserve this…

As soon as that thought entered my mind, all the strength to resist left my body.

Countless familiars pulled at my body, threatening to rip it apart. My bones stretched and my flesh tore. I was just about to close my eyes and give in, when–

Countless pillars of blue light pierced through my surroundings.

Mami-san had disappeared from the television screens, replaced by a shadow of a panicked-looking girl with tied up hair. But all the screens were quickly destroyed in turn, shattering into pieces and displaying static.

Behind all the screens was a vivid indigo-blue outfit and a flowing white cape. Most stunning of all was that familiar short hair dancing in the wind.

“It… can’t be…”

The indigo-blue girl flashed a longsword, silently slashing through all the familiars. She stepped with fluidity and grace as if dancing, slicing through the countless television screens.

She swung her sword back forcefully, shouting, “And now for the coup de grâce!”

The sword slashed in a giant circle, generating a gust of wind. In one blast, the television screen, the one-winged pygmy, and all the malice and negative emotions I’d been assaulted with were all completely blown away with the witch’s domain.

“…Is it really…”

Indeed it was. The indigo-blue girl who’d come to rescue me was…

None other than Miki Sayaka-chan, flashing me one of her trademark confident smiles.

◯

“Aw, man, my bad. That really was a close call,” Sayaka-chan apologized with her familiar bright smile. But she was wearing a completely unfamiliar indigo-blue outfit.

“…Sayaka… chan…” I muttered, probably sounding like an idiot. “Th-… That outfit…”

“Huh? Oh, hehe, yeah well, it’s like, what do you call it? A change of heart, I guess?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at Sayaka-chan as she chuckled.

“…But it’s all good. I didn’t do too bad for my first time out, eh?”

“But…”

But that meant… if Sayaka-chan had that kind of outfit and saved me with magic…

She had become a magical girl…

And she didn’t tell me.

But before I could say that–

“You…” A voice came from behind us.

“Hmph. Took you long enough, transfer student.”

Sayaka-chan threw out a rather prickly comment, and Homura-chan stood dumbfounded.

“I’ll be the one protecting this town instead of Mami-san now. Which means we don’t need you around.”

I watched Homura-chan bite her lip in frustration, but I could hardly focus on that over the unbearable pit of loneliness opening up in my heart.

She didn’t tell me.

She became a magical girl, and she didn’t tell me.

Had it already happened by the time Sayaka-chan was talking to me at lunch on the rooftop? Or was she still stuck at that point? If so, why didn’t she think I was worth consulting? Couldn’t we have worked through it together?

But the more I thought about it, the more obvious it seemed. I wouldn’t have been able to help Sayaka-chan, or give her advice. I had only been thinking about Mami-san, and quite frankly, myself. I left Sayaka-chan alone to think, work through, and decide to live her life as a magical girl.

“Sa-… Sayaka-chan…”

“…Huh? Wait, Madoka? Why are you… crying… aw, man, I screwed up again. Don’t worry, it’s not what you think.”

“It-It’s my fault… Because I’m so weak, I left you all alone…”

“No, no, no! I told you it’s not like that!” Sayaka-chan clicked her tongue, turning to Homura-chan. “I’ll deal with you later.” Then she just said, “Let’s go, Madoka,” and led me out of the abandoned factory.

We left Homura-chan behind, and just like Mami-san had done, Sayaka-chan picked me up and flew me into the sky. The wind blew my bangs to the sides of my face as we sailed through the cool night sky. I stared at the starry sky and neon lights, holding on tight to Sayaka-chan. It should have been beautiful, like a jaunt through space, but I was so disoriented from learning that Sayaka-chan was a magical girl that I couldn’t really appreciate anything.

“There’s something I want you to see,” Sayaka-chan gently whispered into my ear, flying over several large buildings before finally landing on a specific rooftop with nobody else around. She motioned for me to sit down with her on a bench, then pointed. “Right over there.”

I followed Sayaka-chan’s finger, finding the Mitakihara Municipal Hospital where Kamijou-kun was hospitalized.

Sayaka-chan was holding onto my shoulder, and I assumed it was because of her that I could somehow make out Kamijou-kun’s eighth-floor hospital room from so far away. The hospital room was dark, and all that could be seen was Kaijou-kun bathed in the moonlight.

And there, in the light of the moon, Kamijou-kun was holding up his left hand. He opened and closed it again and again in utter disbelief.

“Miracles and magic do exist,” Sayaka-chan whispered. I looked over, and her profile in the moonlight was so incredibly beautiful.

“Sayaka-chan, was Kamijou-kun’s… did you…”

“Well, y’know.” Sayaka-chan smiled shyly, looking up at the sky. “Do you know about Clair de Lune, Madoka?”

“…No, not at all.”

“It’s this famous song written by a guy called Debussy. It’s one of the pieces of the Suite bergamasque, and it’s such a beautiful song… so perfect and wonderful, just like tonight’s moon. Listening to it brings tears to my eyes… I learned about it from Kyousuke.” She chuckled shyly, scratching her head.

“Kyousuke really likes Debussy’s music, so I would try to look for as much as I could at the CD store to bring to him, but… then the other day, he said– He asked if I was trying to torment him. I couldn’t believe it… I didn’t know how much I could hurt someone else with my good intentions. I just thought that Kyousuke loved music, so giving him music would make him happy. But the more he listened to the great musicians, the more he was reminded that he’d never be able to reach their level… and I had never realized what I was doing to him.”

Sayaka-chan was so calm, as if she had already worked through it and made it far past the struggle. I couldn’t say anything in response, but I buried each and every word deep in my heart.

“Kyousuke started smashing the CD player with his left hand, and the nurse and I had to try and stop him. He said, ‘I can’t even feel anything when I do this,’ and he just cried and cried. And I cried all the way home from the hospital. It’s just… why did it have to be Kyousuke… I begged God, saying I didn’t care if I lost my hands and fingers, he should be able to get his back. Mami-san tried to stop me, but the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became that all I want is for Kyousuke to be better again and to be happy. And if I became a magical girl and wished for his arm to heal, then it would happen. Kyousuke would be happy again. And everyone that gets to hear the wonderful sound of his violin playing will be happy…”

Sayaka-chan suddenly thrust her head in between her knees, ruffling her hair. “But then I realized what, did I just want him to thank me for that? Just have him thank me and everything be over? …Or did I want something more? And when I started thinking along those lines, I felt like a dirty, scheming girl… I just didn’t know what to do.”

I realized that at some point I had grabbed onto Sayaka-chan’s hand, gripping it tightly.

I had been stuck thinking all about myself, and Sayaka-chan was grappling between Kamijou-kun’s happiness and her own… It was so incredible, so admirable, that I was lost for words. I wanted to tell her that I would always be on her side, but… I was scared that she would pull away, let me go. So I just held her soft hand all the more tightly.

She squeezed my hand back, speaking with a trembling voice. “And then– one day, Kamijou-kun told me not to see him anymore. He said he would never get better, and that it was painful to see me. And I said… I told him that if he didn’t give up, anything could happen. It was so stupid. He laughed when I said that… I hadn’t heard him laugh in so long… but his smile was hollow. He said the doctor told him to give up. Modern medicine wasn’t enough to save his arm. It would take a miracle, or magic.”

Sayaka-chan wiped her tears, smiling. “So I told him… that miracles and magic do exist.”

All of a sudden, Kyuubey appeared on the building’s railing, those red eyes shining and that long tail slowly wagging. “Heya, Madoka.”

“…Kyuubey.”

“I double and triple-checked that she was sure. Sayaka was determined.”

Tears that I had been holding back for a long time finally began to fall from my eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was the turmoil of Sayaka-chan’s decision, fear from the witch, or just plain sadness.

Or maybe it was all three suddenly hitting me at once.

But worst of all was the reality that Sayaka-chan now lived in a completely different world than me.

I had never felt so alone.