Chapter 8 – I’m Just the Worst

“Wow, that’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it… Bet I won’t be losing any more.”

My eyes fluttered open at the sound of Sayaka-chan’s voice.

The domain of the shadow-like witch was beginning to disappear. The world was twisting and reforming, and there in the center stood Sayaka-chan, flashing a smile. Her indigo-blue outfit was torn in countless locations, and what little blue was left had lost its color, turning black.

No… it wasn’t the color black. It was the color of dark blood. All the blood seeping from Sayaka-chan’s body was dyeing her outfit black.

“…Sayaka… chan…”

Sayaka-chan turned around at the sound of my voice.

One of her eyes had been crushed in and was leaking a thick, viscous fluid. Blood seeped out from the corners of her lips, her nose, and anywhere else it possibly could have. A portion of her arm was missing, and so much of her leg had been gouged out that the bone was visible.

Sayaka-chan had been hacked into pieces. It was a wonder that she was even alive.

A terrified squeak caught in my throat.

Sayaka-chan’s soul gem began emitting a warm glow. Its light spread around her body, settling where her wounds lay. In a flash, all of Sayaka-chan’s wounds had healed, bringing her back to normal.

At the same time, the witch’s corpse crumbled into dust, and its domain vanished completely. All that was left was the grief seed dully glowing on the ground.

Sayaka-chan ambled her way over, picking the grief seed up. “Consider it yours. It’s why you were really here, right?” She said, tossing it to Kyouko-chan.

“Hey–”

“Consider my debt paid. We’re all cleared up. Sound good?” Sayaka-chan turned to me. “Alright Madoka, time to go home.” She smiled weakly.

But I just stood in place, quivering. Sayaka-chan’s mutilated body was seared into my brain, and I saw it in the back of my eyelids every time I blinked. I couldn’t move my legs.

“What are you shaking for? Everything’s okay now,” Sayaka-chan said, her soul gem flashing as her magical girl outfit was replaced by her school uniform.

But no matter what she looked like… I just couldn’t believe that the person standing in front of me was the Sayaka-chan I knew. I didn’t know what to say.

“…Urgh–” Sayaka-chan suddenly stumbled.

I came to my senses at just the right time, hastily rushing forward to hold onto her. “…Don’t push yourself too hard. Just hold onto me.”

Sayaka-chan leaned her body against me. I thought she’d stay silent, but…

“I guess I’m… a little tired…”

Her exhausted muttering reminded me that less than a minute ago, she had been so torn up that her bones were showing…

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I forced them down.

Kyouko-chan didn’t follow us.

Sayaka-chan and I stumbled down the dark road. I didn’t know if it was the blood loss, or maybe all the magical power she used, but Sayaka-chan’s face under the streetlights was so pale that it was practically transparent. Her lips were bloodless and pale, and her vacant eyes stared blankly at nothing.

Drops of water hit my cheeks, and I looked up, realizing it had started raining. But there was nothing I could do about that, so step by step, we walked back to town, quickly getting soaked by the rain.

Maybe it was just my imagination, but the ring on Sayaka-chan’s hand that bore her soul gem had lost its vibrant blue, looking much paler and weaker. But I just kept trudging forward, headed for the warm lights of town, for some kind of comfort.

Sayaka-chan’s legs were so weak that I thought she might collapse at any moment. Just as I was thinking I’d need somewhere to rest, I noticed a bus stop in front of us.

“Over there… Sayaka-chan, we’re gonna take a break, okay?” I said, dragging Sayaka-chan towards the bus stop. It had a bench and a sparse amount of light, covered by a transparent cylindrical panel. At the very least, it would be a decent place to take a break. The bus wasn’t running so late at night, so we’d have to keep walking to get back to town, but at least we could pause for a moment.

Sayaka-chan slumped against the bench. Exhausted didn’t even begin to describe her condition. Every breath heaved her body up and down.

I sat down next to her, gazing into the nighttime cityscape. My body began to tremble as I remembered her earlier fight. I couldn’t shake the premonition that if she kept fighting that way, she really would die soon.

“Sayaka-chan… I really don’t think… you should fight like that…” After sitting in silence for a while, I just had to speak. “I know you’re lying when you say it doesn’t hurt… Just watching you hurts. And even if you can’t feel it… That doesn’t make it okay. One of these days, you won’t be able to put yourself back together, Sayaka-chan.”

“If I don’t fight like that, then I’ll never win. I don’t have the potential for anything else.”

“But even if you win fighting that way, it’s not good for you, Sayaka-chan…”

“…And what do you know about what’s good for me?”

Her icy, frightening voice sent chills down my spine. I turned to Sayaka-chan, and she was holding out her soul gem. It wasn’t shining as brightly as usual.

“What does it matter what’s good for me, after what I’ve become?”

“…”

“All I am any more is just a rock that kills witches. I move my corpse around, pretending that I’m alive, but what’s good for somebody like that? What is there that’s worth doing? It doesn’t even matter.”

“But, Sayaka-chan… all I want is for you to be happy…” The very second that left my mouth–

“Then why don’t YOU go out and fight?!”

“…”

“You heard Kyuubey just as well as I did! You have more potential than anyone! It’d be easy-peasy for you to beat any kind of witch that I would struggle on, right?!”

She wasn’t wrong. I still remembered how Kyuubey told me, If you became a magical girl, you’d be leagues more powerful than Mami-san. But honestly, I had a hard time believing that. I was always slow on the uptake, never good at communicating my thoughts or desires, and to top it all off, I didn’t even know what I wished for.

It just didn’t make sense that someone like me had what it took to become a truly spectacular magical girl.

“If you’re so interested in what’s good for me, then why don’t you try doing what I do?! Oh, wait, what’s that? You CAN’T! ‘Cause ain’t nobody gonna give up their own humanity over a little bit of pity!”

I couldn’t say anything as Sayaka-chan continued shouting at me.

“You can do anything, and yet you do nothing, so I’m forced to go through these hellish fights every day instead of you! I have to suffer INSTEAD OF YOU!”

With every word that Sayaka-chan shouted… her soul gem seemed to lose a little more light. It began letting out a more blackish glow, as if reflecting her own suffering outwards into the world.

“So stop trying to pretend that you know what I’m going through.” Sayaka-chan stood up, walking unsteadily back into the rain. The downpour had gotten even heavier, quickly soaking through her hair and uniform.

“…Sayaka-chan…” I stood up impulsively, but before I could say more–

“Don’t follow me,” Sayaka-chan shot back, her glare and voice both chilling me to the core.

I couldn’t chase after Sayaka-chan as she ran away. I just stood there staring.

I thought I had begun to understand how magical girls suffered for the sake of everyone else, like how I’d felt bad about Kamijou-kun and Hitomi-chan’s happiness back in class. I thought I knew something, but I didn’t.

I didn’t understand a single thing.

◯

“…The point being that while the manorial system was important for securing food supply and maintaining public order, it later gave rise to the class system. It’s no exaggeration to say that Japan’s mythology surrounding certain plots of land was directly responsible for the bubble economy!”

Our history teacher Namioka-sensei gave a crisp and clear lecture that resonated through the entire classroom, but I wasn’t paying him the slightest bit of attention. My mind was entirely focused on Sayaka-chan sitting diagonally across from me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything but watch her.

Sayaka-chan and I hadn’t spoken at all in the last two days. When Hitomi-chan and I were walking to school together, Sayaka-chan avoided us, and when I saw her walking with Hitomi-chan, I found it hard to approach them, so I ended up being distanced from the two of them.

Don’t follow me.

The chill in Sayaka-chan’s gaze and words that night was unlike anything I’d ever seen from her… I just couldn’t approach her any more.

…Has she just been going out by herself to kill witches?

The thought worried me, but the wave of fear that followed was just as strong. I thought of her body awash in blood, with that empty smile on her face, jerkily swinging her sword back and forth like a living mannequin. It made me so sad, but so terrified that I didn’t dare bring it up. I knew I couldn’t leave things where they lay, but I didn’t know what to do.

Everything in the classroom was like an unchanging background wallpaper, and Sayaka-chan floated there in the middle of it. I wondered how long everything in the world would go on like normal despite all of Sayaka-chan’s suffering.

Classes finally ended, and I rushed to the school entrance. I planned on trying to get there before Sayaka-chan, to ask if we could go home together.

But a familiar voice caught my attention.

“You have more violin practice today?”

It was Hitomi-chan talking to Kamijou-kun at the shoe lockers.

Before I knew what was happening, I was hiding in the shadows to eavesdrop.

“What about you, Shizuki-san?”

“W-Well… I have piano practice, myself.”

“Looks like we’re both busy.”

“…It would seem so.”

They both left through the school entrance, continuing the conversation. As they got farther from me, their backs got closer, then separated, then back closer together. Occasionally, they’d face each other and laugh happily.

…It was mysterious, in a way.

Kamijou-kun was overjoyed at the new opportunity he had to play the violin again.

Hitomi-chan was head over heels for him.

Neither of them could even begin to imagine the all-encompassing despair that was swallowing Sayaka-chan whole.

I knew about both sides, but… There was something mysteriously sad about how Sayaka-chan wasn’t the one there by Kamijou-kun’s side.

“….Ah.” With a start, I realized that Sayaka-chan was standing behind me.

She watched Kamijou-kun and Hitomi-chan walk away with dark, vacant eyes.

“Sa-… Sayaka-chan…”

Sayaka-chan seemed unaware of my voice, simply continuing to stare at the two of them. Then she just changed her shoes and left.

I couldn’t even call her name again. I just watched her from behind as she slowly trod away.

◯

I am absolutely going to talk to Sayaka-chan today, I decided as I left my house the next morning.

But I didn’t run into Sayaka-chan on the way to school, and her “don’t talk to me” aura was so powerful in the classroom that I was too intimidated to try before class began.

“…Madoka.”

I heard a sudden voice underneath my feet, looking down to find Kyuubey wagging his white tail. I whipped my head around in shock before realizing that I was the only one in class who could see and hear Kyuubey.

[ …What is it? ] I asked mentally.

“Miki Sayaka is exhausting herself faster than I anticipated,” Kyuubey answered in a voice as cutesy as ever despite the grave news it communicated.

[ …Then do something about it, ] I pleaded by reflex.

“No can do. A completed contract can’t be revoked. Miki Sayaka already had her wish granted.”

I carefully turned my face to the side. Kamijou-kun was writing down the notes on the blackboard, his face serious and focused. His crutches were leaning up against his desk.

“Sayaka won’t listen to me any more.” I glared at Kyuubey for speaking as though he had already given up. “You may be the only one that can stop her now.”

“But–” I accidentally spoke out loud at first before catching myself and switching to my thoughts. [ But it doesn’t matter what I say, Sayaka-chan just… ]

The things Sayaka-chan had said to me that night were like arrows ripping through my heart.

You can do anything, and yet you do nothing, so I’m forced to go through these hellish fights every day instead of you!

It made me think about something I once heard Mami-san say.

So you’ve noticed it, too. Her potential.

She said it  to Homura-chan back when she was carrying me to the hospital.

My… potential.

I still found it rather unbelievable as a concept. In fact, I had assumed that Kyuubey was only saying it to try and entice me into a contract.

…But what about Mami-san?

Mami-san didn’t believe that being a magical girl was a good thing. She didn’t have the incentive to lie about something like that.

I was trying to wrap my head around those thoughts when the school bell rang.

“Okay then, we’ll leave things there for today,” Kiritsu-sensei said, which was quickly followed by instructions from the student on day duty. I rushed to stand up in time with everyone else.

Lunch break came around, and I watched Sayaka-chan as she quietly left the classroom before hurriedly following after her.

“…Sa-Sayaka-chan!” I called out to her retreating back.

Sayaka-chan stopped in her tracks, turning around silently.

But instead of her bright smile followed by, “What’s up, Madoka?” that she would always answer with…

She just stared at me with vacant eyes, asking, “…What?”

The apathy in her eyes seemed somehow infinite… Like a dark, bottomless well… There was only the smallest glimmer of sadness left.

“I-I…”

Sayaka-chan and I were no stranger to fights, ever since we met in elementary school. They were honestly petty, and I look back on them and laugh now, but back then, we wouldn’t speak to each other for days at a time. Until Sayaka-chan, ever the brave girl, would always apologize first… and that would give me the peace of mind to admit that I was sorry, too.

Now, it was my turn to be brave.

“I… um…”

But no matter how long I fumbled around, I couldn’t put the words together.

Should I promise to become a magical girl alongside her? Or just go back to coming along with her while she fought? Is that what a friend would do? Would it make Sayaka-chan happy? Mommy said I might have to give up on the idea of her understanding my intentions, but… what could I do to help Sayaka-chan right where she was? I didn’t want to give up on Sayaka-chan. I wanted to be her best friend forever, until we were both old and grey. But what was the right thing to do as her friend?

…Did it even matter?

Did it even matter that I loved her so much?

I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was too late for a few trite words to be able to change anything. So I couldn’t bring myself to try, and just stood there as tears filled my eyes.

Sayaka-chan’s mouth twitched open. For just a second, I thought I could see a hint of the former, cheerful light that always emanated from her peeking out from her grim, empty gaze.

Fueled by that possibility, I made up my mind.

I’m sorry, Sayaka-chan.

That was all I would say. I wouldn’t wait for her this time. I would be the one to put myself out there and apologize first.

But just as I finally made up my mind and opened my mouth to speak…

Sayaka-chan clamped her mouth down as if swallowing something bitter, then turned around.

“…If you don’t need anything, then I’m leaving.”

True to her word, she left without looking back.

I watched every step she took as she walked away.

But… hopeless coward that I was, I stood there unable to do anything about it.

◯

Sayaka-chan wasn’t at school the next day. I spent all day staring at her empty seat.

The teacher said she called in sick, but I knew better. Something bad was happening.

No matter how hard I worked to try and think positive, a shadow would always creep back over my heart. Anxious thoughts, like the idea that I might never see Sayaka-chan again, plagued me constantly.

So the moment school was out, I ran to Sayaka-chan’s house. I ran, ran, and ran some more. I dashed up to the apartment complex’s entrance, ringing the bell to Sayaka-chan’s unit.

“Um, this is Kaname Madoka. Sayaka’s friend, Madoka!” I yelled. “I was told Sayaka-chan is sick… I just want a minute with her. I promise I will go home just as soon as I can see her, and–”

Sayaka-chan’s mother interrupted me as I fumbled around for explanations.

“I’m sorry, Madoka-chan, but Sayaka… hasn’t been home since yesterday.”

I felt like my heart would tear in two just listening to her low, dark tone.

“The police are out looking for her right now, but–”

Sayaka-chan’s mother’s voice was choked with tears, and I ran away before she could finish. It felt like her voice was infinitely echoing back and forth in my head.

“I’m going to find you, Sayaka-chan…”

I doubted the police, or the teachers, or even Sayaka-chan’s own mother would be able to find her. Because magical girls were out there alone every day risking their lives to battle witches, and none of them knew a thing about it. Adults who didn’t believe in that kind of stuff would never know where to look.

But… even so… that didn’t mean I could find her. I was just a coward who never had the guts to follow through with a magical girl contract, after all.

[ Kyuubey! Kyuubey! ] I shouted in my mind as I dashed through the city at sunset. But even though Kyuubey had just been there in the classroom with me, he didn’t show up.

I ran, passing by place after place that I had been to before with Sayaka-chan, flooded with memories of our time together.

The park with the zelkova tree where we used to play all the time in elementary school.

The Himena River bankline where we would go whenever something bad happened to us.

The shopping mall in front of the train station that we went to after school so many times. In fact, that was where we first met Kyuubey, learned about witches, and ran into Homura-chan.

It had only been a month since then, but… somehow, a cavernous void had opened between us.

Tears flooded my eyes as I came to that realization.

All those happy people shopping in the mall seemed like outsiders, like aliens. All the colorful pastels of the mall decorations and sales items seemed to fade to gray.

Right, Homura-chan… Homura-chan might…

I had a new thought and spun around, ready to run back to school.

“Hold it, you.”

I turned around towards the sudden voice behind me, finding Sakura Kyouko-chan. Kyuubey sat on her shoulder, his long tail flapping in the breeze.

“That thing told me more or less what was happenin’,” Kyouko-chan said, thrusting her chin towards her shoulder. “You lookin’ for Miki Sayaka? Count me in.”

“…Why, Kyouko-chan?”

Kyouko-chan clicked her tongue in response. “I just, I don’t know… I get to looking at her, and I just can’t–”

She just what?

But Kyouko-chan never finished that sentence, instead returning to her typical glare. “Let’s hustle. No time to lose, right?”

When she said that… it wasn’t in her usual harsh, cruel tone. In fact, her voice was so reassuring that I started crying all over again.

“You stay with her,” Kyouko-chan said, and Kyuubey hopped onto my shoulder. “That way, whoever finds her first can tell the other telepathically. Time to split up.”

Kyouko-chan held up her soul gem before finishing her sentence, quickly being enveloped in bright light. She transformed into her crimson outfit, completely unconcerned about being in the middle of a shopping mall, before flying away into the crimson sky.

“Sayaka-chan… where did you go…”

I had combed so much of Mitakihara City that I ran out of places to look. It was pitch-black outside, my legs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds, and my body was starting to lock up.

But there had to be another place I hadn’t checked yet. That thought kept pushing me forward, from one place to the next. I changed direction in the middle of a residential zone, ready to trudge back towards school again, when Kyuubey asked me a question.

“Do you hold a grudge against me, too?” The voice coming from my shoulder was almost hesitant.

“Would you change Sayaka-chan back to normal if I did?” I asked back.

“Quite impossible. That’s simply outside of my scope of power,” Kyuubey answered readily. “You had best make your peace about Miki Sayaka. She’s already gathered far too much impurity.”

I loved Sayaka-chan’s smile.

I loved the way Sayaka-chan spoke with a tomboyish lilt.

I loved that girlish side of Sayaka-chan’s that would peek out from time to time.

She was cheerful, strong-willed, tomboyish, and able to bounce back from any kind of difficulty, and yet she also held a deep empathy for other people. She was so kind. I loved that about her.

She was such a precious and treasured friend that I honestly thought she was wasted on someone like me.

Why are you even friends with someone like me? I almost asked her so many times. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d wondered if I was truly her friend in return.

Of course, I figured if Sayaka-chan ever caught wind of that, she’d just laugh and say, Of course you’re my friend, Madoka. And I’m your friend ‘cause I like you!

I just knew that a kind girl like her would say something like that.

But I felt like I had achieved a certain level of clarity. I realized that the reason I wanted to be able to be her friend so badly was because I loved her so much.

And even though I didn’t need any other reason than that… I still worried.

Even if Sayaka-chan and I found people we loved, got married, and went our separate ways, I’d still consider her a friend. We could live far away, only visiting once in a blue moon, just getting together for a short spell and seeing that smile of hers. That would be enough.

But… what if Sayaka-chan were to disappear, right now, dropping from the face of the world as I knew it?

The thought terrified me so much that I physically froze in place. Breathing became difficult, and my legs quivered.

“Are you okay, Madoka?” Kyuubey asked, but I couldn’t answer.

I was stunned. It was like everything just came back to myself, in the end. If Sayaka-chan actually disappeared then I would cry, not for her, but for myself and my own self-pity. Fear welled up towards the new part of myself that I was discovering.

What if the real reason that I couldn’t become a magical girl was just my own self-important preservation?

Sayaka-chan was bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders and I wanted to prove how dear she was to me, but all I could do was just “be there for her”, as if my existence was of some great, inherent importance.

Tears streamed down my face at my new revelation.

“I’m just the worst, Kyuubey…”

I loved Sayaka-chan. I wanted her to stay with me forever. I wanted her to smile all the time. Sayaka-chan was wailing in pain, but my concern was that she wasn’t smiling with me. Kyuubey and Mami-san had been hinting all along at how I could actually help her, but I’d been too selfish to commit.

“Hey Kyuubey…” I croaked, my voice hoarse. “You said I could be an amazing magical girl once. Is that… really true?”

We were standing in a small, residential park. Kyuubey hopped off my shoulder and pitter-pattered onto a park bench.

“‘Amazing’ would be the understatement of the century. You would be an unprecedented case of extraordinary. You would likely become the most powerful being in this world.”

All my strength left my body as I slumped down beside Kyuubey. “If I had just made my own contract, would Sayaka-chan have been spared from becoming a magical girl?”

“Sayaka made her own wish. You had no control over that,” Kyuubey reassured me before glancing away. “But in terms of raw effort… You could have done the work of ten Sayakas, possibly more.”

“…”

I had been faced with countless choices. I thought I had put the right effort and consideration into each and every one of them… but maybe I had been wrong somewhere. My vision started to go dark as despair overtook me.

“…But why me?”

Kyuubey shrugged at my tiny voice. “I don’t know. To be honest, the potential you possess is of a scale that can’t even be theoretically quantified. I’d like some answers about it, myself.”

“Really?”

“If you released the full extent of your potential, then a single miracle would be child’s play. In all likelihood, you could bend the laws of the universe itself to your will. But as for why you would be the sole individual with this level of potential… I can’t even begin to reason that.”

“I never really… thought I was all that significant, or anything…” I was just slow on the uptake, terrible at putting a voice to my thoughts. I couldn’t even act on or say what my own vague desires were. “I thought I’d just… keep on like this, never helping anyone or being useful to my very last days. It was frustrating, and I felt so alone, but I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it.”

“Reality turned out quite differently, didn’t it?” Kyuubey’s words echoed quietly under the pale blue light of the moon. “If it were your wish, Madoka, you could likely become an all-powerful god.”

I suddenly felt like all the blood had drained away from my lower body. It was like I was weightless, floating above the ground.

I slowly gathered my resolve.

“…So you mean… If I were the one asking… I could do things you couldn’t?”

“Such as?”

“If I made a contract with you… Would I be able to turn Sayaka-chan back to normal?”

I couldn’t stop a small tremor from racking my body as the question passed my lips. I waited for Kyuubey’s answer, looking straight into those red eyes.

Kyuubey finally answered, firmly and efficiently. “I’m sure that would be a simple task. But is that wish really worth your soul?”

My mind flashed with images of Mommy, Daddy, Tatsuya, and everything else I loved. But then it all turned into Sayaka-chan’s smiling face, only for her face to become warped with tears as she stared with those hollow, empty eyes.

“It would be… for Sayaka-chan.” I nodded resolutely. “Make me… into a ma–”

But then, in an instant, with the sound of a sharp wind gust, Kyuubey’s head was gone. And not just the head, but the body, and limbs, everything blown away and transformed into some kind of white… stuff.

What was left of Kyuubey collapsed onto the ground with a thud.

“…You…”

A voice came from behind me as I stared speechless.

“Why… do you…”

I turned around.

There was Akemi Homura, dressed in her black, white, and grey magical girl outfit. Her pale face shone even whiter in the moonlight, and she angrily hurled the black gun in her hand down to the ground.

It wasn’t until I heard the clattering of the gun roll away that I finally put together the fact that Homura-chan had shot Kyuubey.

“Th-That’s so horrible… Why did you have to kill him?”

Before I could even finish my question, Homura-chan closed the distance, shouting at me.

“You wanna know why? Well I wanna know why you always try to sacrifice yourself! You’re always putting yourself down as worthless or useless… Why don’t you try considering all the people that care about you for once?!”

“…Huh?”

“Just stop it! Don’t you understand that there are people who would grieve if they lost you?! What about all the people who have done so much to protect you?!”

“Ho…Homura-chan…”

Her face… her expression was so grave… it was something I’d seen before.

Right… it was the day she transferred to our school.

As we walked down the hall to the nurse’s office, she looked at me with that exact same expression, telling me, You must never give in to the thought that you have to change.

Actually, back then, she had looked even more serious and earnest. More like the version of her I saw in my dream from the night before, where she screamed something at me that I couldn’t understand.

What was she trying to tell me in that dream? I couldn’t help but think it was important, somehow.

“…Homura-chan, have we…” The words fell naturally from my mouth. “Have we… met before?”

“We…”

A profound sadness seemed to swallow Homura-chan’s eyes. She turned away as if trying to hide her expression, slumping down to the ground. Her shoulders began to shake.

The strong, dignified, perfect Homura-chan… was crying. There was a fragility to her that I had never seen before that made her look like an entirely different person.

She looked so sad, like the suffering of the entire world was crushing her.

But as I stared at her body racking with sobs…

“…Huh?”

There was… something else. It sounded like a person screaming…

“…Don’t. Don’t listen, Madoka…” Homura-chan cried, her voice cracking with sobs.

But a scream echoed in my head regardless.

[ SAYAKAAAAAA! ]

It was…

It was Kyouko-chan. Kyouko-chan was screaming Sayaka-chan’s name.

Her bizarre scream awoke an indescribable feeling inside me.

“Sorry, Homura-chan, I… have to go.”

“Wait… Miki Sayaka is… is already…”

“Sorry,” I apologized, dashing away.

“Madoka! Wait!”

Homura-chan’s screams echoed behind my back as I ran away. A fire had lit inside me.

Where was Sayaka-chan, why was Kyouko-chan screaming, what was going on– I couldn’t answer any of those questions, but I ran like a girl possessed, driven by unknown forces.

The dark road seemed to stretch out infinitely beyond me. It felt like a darkness darker than night itself was waiting for me beyond the street light’s glow. But I couldn’t stop.

Because it kept echoing.

I could hear Sayaka-chan’s voice in my head.

[ I finally understand… what you meant. ]

[ Hope and despair really is a zero-sum game. ]

That broken voice most definitely belonged to Sayaka-chan.

[ Pull yourself together, Sayaka! ] Kyouko-chan was screaming at Sayaka-chan.

[ You told me that… and now I get it… praying for one person’s happiness is the same as putting a curse on someone else… That’s what it really means to be a magical girl. ]

Sayaka-chan’s voice wasn’t the hollow, empty girl who had been talking to me prior. It was Sayaka-chan, but only in a strained whisper, as if there was only a fragment of herself left… The horrible feeling inside me wrapped tighter and tighter around my heart.

[ Yeah, sure, I saved a few people… And look what it cost me. All that’s left of me is jealousy and bitterness… I even hurt my most important friend… ]

Tears welled up in my eyes. “Sayaka-chan… Sayaka-chan!”

[ I really was… such an idiot… ]

And then…

She said it.

[ I’m sorry, Madoka… ]

But…

I should have said that.

It was supposed to be my turn to say that.

“No, no, Sayaka-chan!”

I’m sorry, Madoka.

With those last words, something snapped.

Whatever important connection that kept Sayaka-chan and I linked was severed, and I could no longer hear her voice. I shook my head back and forth, but she was gone.

There was just the dark night stretching out into infinity.

Warm house lights spilled onto the sidewalk, and street lights illuminated the road that I stumbled down, crying and screaming Sayaka-chan’s name.

After a long time, a single shadow morphed into shape atop the dark railroad tracks.

At first, I thought it was the grim reaper, but it turned out to be Sakura Kyouko-chan, her long hair tied up above her head. Her expression was dark and shadowed, and in her arms was what looked like a limp mannequin.

But it was Sayaka-chan.

“…Sayaka… chan…”

Kyouko-chan’s face snapped up at my voice. Shame washed over her features as she turned away.

I took unsteady, halting steps towards Kyouko-chan. As I got closer, I found my arm reaching out towards Sayaka-chan in her arms.

Sayaka-chan had small cuts all over her face, and her eyes were closed as if in sleep. Her once-healthy cheeks had developed a pale translucence, and her lips were tinged blue.

The night wind rustled her hair, covering her eyes and eyelashes.

Words failed.

If I could just see her one more time… if we could have somehow had one more meeting… there had been a million things I wanted to say to her.

But I was mute as a statue.

“Her soul gem…” Homura-chan’s voice interjected behind me. “…Became a grief seed, birthing a new witch before vanishing.”

“…That has to be a lie… right?” I mumbled, not turning around.

“It’s true. That is the ultimate secret behind a soul gem.” Homura-chan walked up beside me, holding up her own soul gem. “When this gem’s impurities take over and it turns entirely black, it morphs into a grief seed, making its holder a witch. Such is the inescapable fate of all magical girls.”

The Homura-chan I had watched break down into tears was gone. She was back to the impregnable and perfect magical girl.

“That’s a lie… It has to be. She’s lying, right?” I asked Kyouko-chan, unable to believe what Homura-chan had told me.

Kyouko-chan bit her lip, but didn’t respond as she simply held Sayaka-chan’s body.

“But… why? Sayaka-chan became a magical girl to save people from witches, to be a superhero, right? So, why…”

“She bore the curse that was equivalent to the hope her prayer brought about. Her life became a cycle of saving one person and cursing another.”

“Stop that!” Kyouko-chan entrusted Sayaka-chan’s body to me before reaching out and grabbing Homura-chan by the collar. “Look here… Just who do you think you are? You think you know everything? Happy to lord all your knowledge and power over her? You know that she’s Sayaka’s…”

Sayaka’s… what?

I sank to the ground as I clutched Sayaka-chan’s body in my arms. I longed to know what the end of that sentence was.

What was I to Sayaka-chan? What could I have done for her in the midst of all her suffering? What could I possibly say to Sayaka-chan now? What could I even do?

Those thoughts plagued my head in a daze.

“So, now you finally understand.” Homura-chan said, each word like an icicle. “This is the reality behind the idea that you admired so much.”

“Are you even human?!” Kyouko-chan spat out, lunging.

Homura-chan easily brushed Kyouko-chan’s hand away.

“Of course not. And neither are you.”

With that, she disappeared into the night, leaving me, Kyouko-chan, and the lifeless body that was once Sayaka-chan behind.